“Where others will not cross the line, the line is where I begin and cross over to start my journey.” 


As of May 26, 2012 it will be six months since I have had my stroke. What have I been doing for the past six months? I have been dealing with bureaucracy, paperwork, health care delays, insurance issues, job bureaucracy, social workers that don’t give a rats ass about me and my current condition. Medical staff that has a “God Complex.” Arrogance, random people that put on a fake act of sympathy, or can not be bothered to listen. I am stating to feel that people will never understand what I am going through.

And that is just a small portion of a deep, dark world that we never hear about until one falls from the heights of heaven, with no warning or reason as to why this was being done to me. I had fallen on to a planet called “Earth.”

And when I had woken up from that fiery descent and rose from the ashes, I noticed my wings were burned off, bleeding and destroyed. And from then on I was forced to join the masses of thousands of human beings that were also inflicted with pain and suffering.

For life to me before this point was not exactly Heaven. But I was happy, working and getting things done. I was getting my life back together after being unemployed for over a year and a half. And then this happens to me a stroke.

Why did God (If there is such a being…) Do this to me and to others as well?

I have often wondered about this. What is God’s plan? Does he have a plan? Or is he just playing this all by ear and winging it? What is his agenda for me and the rest of the human race?

Or is this all the work of Satan?

Did I need to be striked down?

Is paradise or my concept of it lost to me? Or was I just one of Satan’s little helpers that tried to blend in with the rest of heaven and I was forced to leave?

I will never know the answer, but I often wonder what is next for me. What is my next move? What will I do now? This is all and still is new territory for me. I am still waiting for city, state and federal funding to be approved.

Yes… That is correct I am still waiting for New York state and Federal funding to come to me. Very odd how I rushed to get this all submitted within a timely fashion, but I am still waiting for the approval.

I have spent the past six months scrounging for cash to pay my bills and nearly getting by. How much long does one have to go through this? It’s a miracle that I have managed this far, but I don’t know how long I can keep going?

It’s like being lost at sea during a storm with no idea on where to go, and how to get where you want to be. But I do try to say the lease. Six months of waiting with no end in sight. That is what is feels like at times. I am glad that I am able to wake up every day, it could have been worse. I could have been dead.

But at last I am not that, thank goodness. I am just not ready to leave, not now. But this whole experience is one that I can never forget so easily. And if you never have to experience this let this be a warning on what to expect.

Seriously though… Where do I go for more help? I really have no idea and I have been trying to explore options and keep getting lost in the process. Has the American health care system gotten to a point of just paperwork and bureaucracy?  People that don’t care and so on?

When does the wait end? When will I get my funding and full support that I need? This delay in recovery should not be. But atlas it is. I would feel a whole lot better if I had some form of support. Granted there is family, but they can only do so much and I know at this point I am becoming a burden to them.

So many variables to consider. It just makes my head explode, and at times I fall into a depression that I feel that I just can’t get out of. This is what so many people do not understand because they have not lived through this.

They just shake it off like as if it’s not their problem. We have become a society of needs, wants and selfishness. Self centered, greedy and so on. When I die at my time of death, will I be remembered for who I was, or what I had become as death took me away. I often brood but I have to keep it to myself, for I become wrong for showing people and pointing out how rude they are acting. All of the sudden I am the evil, rude person, and that is so not the case.

I am still me. But I will show you how such a jerk you are, or have become. Am I wrong for correcting you? It seems so in today’s society, or am I the last of a dying breed? I have to keep telling myself that maybe this all happened to me for a reason? But what is that reason? What can happen to me after all this that can make my life better? Will I be happier?

Or is this just the next evolution in my life? Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. We are all raised with that quote in mind. Where is my life going now? My liberties I feel have been taken away, and the pursuit of happiness is slowly slipping away from me. That is how I am feeling.

I have been working so much to get my life to where it has been before the stroke, the last thing I want is to lose everything that I worked for.  I have to move forward, I can’t stop, some people might get offended by my actions, but at times I feel that I am left with no choice.

All I just want right now is some support, friendship and help to guide me through all this. That is all that I need, and I don’t feel that I am asking for too much.



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